Insidious: Chapter 3

  • 2015
  • Drama
  • Horror
  • Thriller
You know those haunted houses at the amusement park where you huddle through with your friends? This is like that, except half of the employees are on their smoke break.
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Spy

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Comedy
  • Crime
Being a McCarthy fan, I was really concerned after seeing Tammy. I didn’t want to believe that it was the beginning of some bad spiral. Spy redeems that, and possibly 2-3 more bad decisions in the future. Not to mention the director will be redoing Ghostbusters, which I was also concerned about until I saw this.
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Home Sweet Hell

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Drama
This is rated as low as most Adam Sandler movies. Hell, the title is even bad.
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Tig

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Documentary
It’s easier said than done but if we could all turn our pain into laughter, this world would be a better place. I’m still learning as I get blackout drunk when I stub my toe.
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The Gunman

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Crime
  • Drama
Really, really uninteresting.
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Trainwreck

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Romance
This is the spot-on female version of any slacker comedy. They just switched the weed and video games to weed and white wine, nothing genius. It all comes down to the execution and how much you’ll laugh. I laughed a lot and I laughed hard. Here’s my early pick for comedy of year.
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Slow West

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Thriller
  • Western
One of the more honest depictions of the old West, which might not sit well with most people that are used to the gun-slinging action pieces. As dangerous but depressing as this rendition is, it’s done beautifully with astonishing cinematography and an unexpected story that’s much more believable than the trailer leads you to think. It’s not the most exciting and I can’t recommend it to everyone, but I do recommend it, if you're okay to deal with a movie where the title is literal.
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Focus

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Crime
  • Drama
On top of being a film with horrible dialogue, Focus uses the exhaustive formula of every-damn-person being involved in the con. It will introduce characters out of nowhere to save its own loopholes and invent the wildest heist scenarios that cult followers have a hard time believing.
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Home

  • 2015
  • Adventure
  • Animation
  • Comedy
Jim Parson’s trademark annoyance is slathered all over this braindead script. If that’s not enough, you’ll be treated to Rihanna’s bland voice performance that is guiding and even more bland character. These two start out hating each other and somehow became the best-of-friends without any real bonding. There are many animated films that will trample over Home, even older ones, so don’t bother.
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Jupiter Ascending

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Adventure
  • Sci-fi
Eddie Redmayne is the only reason to watch this shit.
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Results

  • 2015
  • Comedy
This is about good-looking, shallow people that are being manipulated (for their own good) by a wealthy, ugly dude.
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Poltergeist

  • 2015
  • Horror
  • Thriller
The girl wanted to see Magic Mike XXL and I wanted to see this. Like the producers of this awful and unwanted remake, I made a mistake. I’d rather put up with those sweaty dudes making me feel terrible about my bodily insecurities, then go through this lame story that becomes genuinely laughable halfway through.
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We Are Still Here

  • 2015
  • Horror
The first half is scary as hell. Without knowing anything about this film, I thought I was in for a serious and frightening ride. Then shit hits the fan. And, the fan is actually a jet engine turbine. With two completely different tones that will ruin your experience, I do not recommend this.
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Free the Nipple

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Drama
The subject matter is important but these girls are doing the grassroots thing wrong. This overly-dramatic depiction of “revolution” makes the whole movement look like junior high C-students yearning to be a part of something impactful only because they’re out of weed or things to do. For the record, I watched this with a liberal woman. She turned it off about 3/4's of the way through and I had to finish this agonizing film by myself.
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Hot Girls Wanted

  • 2015
  • Documentary
Boring porn.
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While We're Young

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Drama
The most irritating thing about these 'aging couples' movies where they attempt to liberate themselves, is the predictable partner-swapping. There’s that and Ben Stiller wearing a fedora in a lot of scenes. I pretty much hate this movie.
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Horsehead

  • 2014
  • Fantasy
  • Horror
A nightmare mash of beautiful sets and dark visuals that doesn’t mean much as a movie, but would bring home all kinds of awards as an art school project. It’s basically a two-hour, NIN music video.
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The Lazarus Effect

  • 2015
  • Horror
  • Thriller
How many times does super-zombie, Olivia Wilde, need to kill people until the people she’s trying to kill realize it, and then try to re-kill her.
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Unfinished Business

  • 2015
  • Comedy
This is all over the place and crammed with a glory hole’s worth of unfunny jokes.
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Run All Night

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Crime
  • Drama
Films like this and A Walk Among the Tombstones is the kind of action films that Liam Neeson deserves to be in. Especially now that he’s done with that Taken franchise.
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Jurassic World

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Adventure
  • Sci-fi
There is every cliche in here, but that’s what you’re supposed to do when making a summer blockbuster about dinosaurs and the shotty engineers who built the park. It was still a lot of fun, especially every scene that Chris Pratt chest’d his way into.
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Spring

  • 2014
  • Horror
  • Romance
  • Sci-fi
I originally started dozing off in the first half, thinking this was some sort of self-discovery drama about complicated love. Then out-of-nowhere, shit gets real. With all of the beautiful drone shots and the story deepening; this tightly held my interest. I really enjoy linear stories with this kind of execution. Excellent as a romantic drama or quirky horror.
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What We Do in the Shadows

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Horror
Yep, this is how vampires would totally behave if they existed. These guys are so committed to the concept that the believability adds a solid layer of comedy on top of the already-funny jokes.
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Get Hard

  • 2015
  • Comedy
If a wealthy investor going into the ghetto and learning that culture makes you cringe, you’re going to hate this movie. Otherwise, there are some funny parts.
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Tracers

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Crime
  • Drama
Maybe if Taylor Lautner had a drug addiction, he could inject some real emotions into his performance.
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The DUFF

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Romance
There’s actually a positive message here, even though it’s hilariously mean. The actual DUFF girl puts on a grand performance while teaching kids an important lesson about love. Long-term friends make the most solid relationships — as long as both partners are not heinously ugly.
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Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck

  • 2015
  • Biography
  • Documentary
  • Music
I remember loving Nirvana when I was in middle school, and I wasn’t supposed to because the clique that I hung out with was all about rap and R&B. The more I was supposed to listen to that, the more I wanted to hang out with the other kids. It felt like I had double identities, making excuses to my first clique about how I only know that one Hole song because I’ve already listened to Snoop’s album, like, 1000 times that day already. I guess that’s what I really liked about “alternative rock”, as it was called back then. The kids listening to that didn’t care if I liked other genres, they were just content on hanging out with me and doing stupid things. Seeing this documentary struck all kinds of chords for me.
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Chappie

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Sci-fi
  • Thriller
Blomkamp clearly has great ideas and with the exception of District 9, he has not been able to flesh them out through character or story, but I did like the ending for this. With this being said, that Aliens reboot is starting to look worrisome.
Chappie: Crappie
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Taken 3

  • 2014
  • Action
  • Thriller
Wasn't sure if I had watched this yet. I had to check this website to see what sequel we're on, literally. They saved the worst for last and it’s finally over, but I bet they will reboot it in about three years with his killer daughter.
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Sriracha

  • 2013
  • Biography
  • Documentary
Pointless hipster documentary about the world’s best selling hot sauce.
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Pitch Perfect 2

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Music
Most successful comedies make terrible sequels, just look at the Hangovers. Part-twos don’t have the luxury of relying on character origins, which is usually the funniest parts. This one is surprisingly as funny as the first, while moving the girls further away from their backstories.
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Zombeavers

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Horror
Yes.
Zombeavers Foot
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20,000 Days on Earth

  • 2014
  • Documentary
  • Drama
  • Music
Whether it’s about overly-eccentric talk on music or art, it’s still an interesting look at the creative process.
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Area 51

  • 2015
  • Horror
  • Sci-fi
  • Thriller
Another found-footage horror. A group of people want to do something dangerous and document it. They spend the first half of the film messing around with their recording equipment, and the rest of the film is about them getting eviscerated until it climaxes into an unsatisfying ending. You can actually see the last few seconds of this crap in the trailer. If that doesn’t convince you enough, look at the most bland poster, ever, and do judge a book by its cover.
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Seventh Son

  • 2014
  • Action
  • Adventure
  • Fantasy
Jeff Bridges sounds like your drunk grandpappy who hates the British, but has never met one nor know anything about them. Yet, he keeps doing a terrible impression of their accent in this stupid fantasy flick. No sequels please.
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A Most Violent Year

  • 2014
  • Action
  • Crime
The story’s slow pacing was really getting to me, but the excellent performances held my attention. Once the climax reached, it didn’t erupt intensely but it was definitely satisfying. I didn’t like this director’s first film and I didn’t see his second one, but I’m looking forward to whatever he’s doing after this.
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The Wedding Ringer

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Romance
The plot is dated and everything else is predictable in this bromance, but you’ll get some laughs. You just have to pretend to care a little bit, even if you’re just trying to get through it. Like all the characters in the film are doing.
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Frankie & Alice

  • 2010
  • Biography
  • Drama
Good performance by Halle Berry but the story, the writing, and the entire direction is missing a beat. This might have been an important movie back in the 80’s but I do not recommend this for modern eyes.
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Mad Max: Fury Road

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Adventure
  • Sci-fi
There is no sassy, modern twist on this. It feels as if George Miller focused only on the core elements of the originals and made it bigger, faster, and meaner. From being rated-R, to starring two of the best in the business (Hardy and Theron), there is so much that could be said about this, but I’ll leave that to the other fanatical, bloggers out there. With most of the industry’s reboots and rejects, you know this could have been horrible. In fact, you can’t tell me you expected it to be bad when it was first announced two years ago. Not only does it supersede expectations by breathing new insanity into the franchise, but it stands alone to redefine what a Summer blockbuster can be. If we have to sit through twenty more shitty reboots to get something like Mad Max: Fury Road, then I got my popcorn and antidepressants ready. The fans of Mad Max are looking at you, new Blade Runner movie.
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Honeymoon

  • 2014
  • Drama
  • Horror
This went from a well-shot drama about an intimately-charged getaway into something out-of-this-world. I can’t give it a solid “good” or “bad”, but I would not recommend it.
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Clown

  • 2014
  • Drama
  • Horror
One of the funniest horrors I’ve seen that’s not meant to be funny. No matter how serious this gets, I can’t help but be hilariously distracted by that clown. I need help.
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Annie

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Drama
  • Family
I’m baffled that this exists but I’m more baffled why I decided to watch this.
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Time Lapse

  • 2014
  • Sci-fi
  • Thriller
Don’t trust the hyper-stylized movie poster that looks like it might try to take you through some epic wormhole. This is not a mind-melting Sci-fi about time travel, it’s about a bunch of misguided kids freaking out in an apartment.
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Furious Seven

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Crime
  • Thriller
Let’s not talk about the outrageous action sequences or all the bro-dialogue. That’s expected, and it’s all there in raging force. With the untimely death of Paul Walker, I was curious to see how this film was going to end. It got a lot more emotional than I anticipated and I think even casual fans of this franchise could easily get swept up in the moment.
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The Gambler

  • 2014
  • Crime
  • Drama
  • Thriller
Full-on spoilers. Generally speaking, people don’t win 5 hands in-a-row at Blackjack. Realistically speaking, nobody is doubling on every hand. Logically speaking, I understand that they want to create excitement around gambling but this is taking it to levels of stupidity that stupid people raise their noses at.

Mark Wahlberg’s character comes from a very wealthy family and he is a total clown dick to everyone around him. Even when his mother was crying while handing him $260k to bail him out, he treated her just as bad as he does a random card dealer. For a guy with no redeeming qualities, he's got a girl who looks like she could be his daughter and who also gets really turned on when he complains about how terrible the world is. To end things off, Mark pays off his debt and runs all night long towards stupid girl, while a very emotional M83 song is playing. Fuck everything in this movie.
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Atari: Game Over

  • 2014
  • Documentary
Listening to the oldschool “gamer” talk about how he would rather play any Atari game over a modern game, like Call of Duty, is stupid. Either that or these gamers suck terribly at gaming. Commence the eye-rolling!
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Late Phases

  • 2014
  • Drama
  • Horror
I don’t see a point in this werewolf movie. Are they trying to portray family drama with a monster as the backdrop or is everyone a metaphorical monster – I don’t know. I do appreciate what they did on a small budget, but that’s it.
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Avengers: Age of Ultron

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Adventure
  • Sci-fi
This film takes the “punch line” term to wild levels, because after someone or something gets their ass kicked, a superhero has to make some snark about it. As much sass as there is, it will always get drowned out by explosions exploding on top of other explosions, which makes for one superbly fun, Summer blockbuster.
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Dumb and Dumber To

  • 2015
  • Comedy
I actually enjoyed how stupid this was because it's supposed to be. But, this film’s biggest mistake, along with many other recent comedies, is not being dumb but thinking your audience is. Stop holding my hand through an entire joke and then emphasizing on its punch line.
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Hot Tub Time Machine 2

  • 2015
  • Comedy
  • Sci-fi
This is supposed to be stupid and low-brow, but one thing I never thought it was going to be is boring.
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Whitey: United States of America v. James J. Bulger

  • 2014
  • Biography
  • Crime
  • Documentary
I checked this out in anticipation for the upcoming film Black Mass. One of the nastiest gangster tales here in America. The corruption goes both ways in this documentary where almost everyone is the bad guy.
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The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death

  • 2015
  • Drama
  • Horror
  • Thriller
This is more of a drag than it is scary, and the only scares you’re going to get are the lazy, jumpy ones.
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Blackhat

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Crime
  • Drama
This is booooring.
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Ex Machina

  • 2015
  • Drama
  • Sci-fi
So much can be taken away from this beautifully-crafted, Sci-fi concept. It stays relevant by using everyday tropes we’re familiar with and weaves it into the script, logically. A peak for A.I. films that will spur conversations after the film and create deep-seeded thoughts about our own existence.
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Comet

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Drama
  • Romance
This is the type of couple that’s always arguing at parties over some petty bullshit. On their fifth, angry drink, their debates become unnecessarily deep, and nearby friends start making faces behind their backs in hopes to liven-up the party. This backfires and their argument is now a public spectacle. A random patron tries to divert attention and yells out “C’mon guys, let’s have a good time!” In which, the angry girlfriend retorts, “Stay the fuck out of this, Phil! You’re a loser and that’s why Amy left you!” This is the last straw and all the friends start to boo the couple out of the party, never to be invited again. That’s the kind of couple we got in this movie.
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Mortdecai

  • 2015
  • Action
  • Comedy
Irritating garbage.
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Nightlight

  • 2015
  • Horror
  • Thriller
Hey, see how it says “zero chance of survival” on the poster? Surprise, they all die! Movie has been spoiled and you don’t have to see this crap now.
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Laggies

  • 2014
  • Comedy
  • Romance
Good performances by a great cast. Although I’m not really sure what the moral is here and when I dig for it, I just get side-tracked with laughs.
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Big Eyes

  • 2014
  • Biography
  • Drama
Big Eyes' biggest performance is not by the loud Christoph Waltz who sounds like he's showing you a magic trick, it's by Amy Adam's submissive but compelling character. Tim Burton did not hit it big here, but it’s great to bring this story to the cinema.
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Palo Alto

  • 2013
  • Drama
Here’s the user-friendly version of Kids. It’s an honest look at the struggles of being a teenager in a city where...who I am kidding. I don’t care about this and you probably won’t either. Unless you got a bleeding heart for American high-schoolers.
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